My current "About Me" writeup, written late at night:
Lance Orner was adopted as a baby by passing wild bears in a remote logging town back in the golden age when wild bears did that sort of thing. He then developed an abnormal ability around computers, which was odd since at that time, computers were hard to come by, especially in remote logging towns with bears. He has since written some computer programs. Sometimes, he gets paid.
Eventually, a kind and pretty woman took him in and took pity on him. They had two kids together, who also take pity on him, especially when he's the one that buys all of the new computer equipment. He still lives with that kind and pretty woman. The included dog doesn't necessarily take pity, but does appreciate being fed.
People still seem to call him asking for programming help on servers, Linux, Python, C++, databases, automation, cloud technologies, web programming, and general old-school hard problems. He can't get them to go away, but does like the "being paid" part. He is able to add insight from being raised by bears.